23/07/2026
You know, I wasn’t really expecting to make this thing I wrote to be public anywhere, at least public in the open net. It was just a reflection I made about my life in school and why it sucks so much, really I only made it so I could explain better my feelings and so that I myself could know what I was feeling too (most of the time I just gave vague answers about stuff that pissed me off). But after re-reading and thinking about what I wrote, I think its a good piece of text that shows well the person I am and the world I live in. I think that if you tune in every whenever to hear me talk about some random stuff, hearing my stuff and thinking “Wow this guy is cool”, that I should make it more clear who’s behind the Merk. Anyways, uhhh, school.
School is oftentimes said to be “your second home”. This can come from the people working on the school, or maybe from people who got good experiences at school, social people, with friends, with people that worry about them at school, who give them a safe environment so that they can be who they are.
In my entire life, I have never felt comfortable at school. I never felt as if it was some sort of home, it didn’t even feel as if it was part of the city, and I think that comes due to the type of classmates I always had. The usual right? People with a giant ego, pride so big that they have the need to make others feel lesser than them so that their monotonous little lives have any sort of meaning, and that I can say from experience since in this same city, in two different schools I had dudes making baseless threats, “Oh that they are gonna hit me or that they are gonna kill me”, these guys don’t even have the balls to do any of that stuff. A community that gives no incentive to be an honest person, and that the only thing they accept is someone who fits in their own definition of “Person”.
A big contribution that fuels this feeling of exclusion is also the fact that I’m from a different country, my portuguese was never good, maybe it got somewhat better than the usual, but even so its still trash, I never manage to fall with someone from this country, almost never. And when I can, Nothing that that person could understand, comes out of my mouth. Even in the [REDACTED], a place full of venezuelan dudes and spanish speaking people, I don’t feel welcome between them… Well, most of them. I met like two recently that I see from time to time at school, they are honest people that worry, but they are in different classes and with their own group of friends, and there’s no way in hell I manage to enter in their friend group out of nowhere, I’m too introverted to do that.
There’s also [REDACTED], probably the only person in here that I could call a friend, I think that’s mostly because I know them more thoroughly than the person they seem in the outside. But anyways, with all this constant exclusion it only leaves me to stay alone all the time, and that leaves me feeling… Nothing, at times when I make my way out of school I don’t remember what happened, it really feels as if nothing has happened… That is, of course, when there isn’t some sort of drama with my classmates or with any teacher (which happen from time to time). And at the end of all that, I only feel… Miserable, in any school. That’s usually why I’m always looking at the clock, looking for when classes end so I can go back to my home and finally feel something.
Geez I really sound like some depressed teenager.
Even then, I’m not perfect, I find myself very narcissistic in occasions like these, where I talk in a reductive way about the very same classmates that are around me, I would say that I’m up to an extent a hypocrite with how I acted in the past, and how I, unfortunately, still act in the present (Ngl at times I laugh about others, without any reason, just because they act in a way that’s funny to me, and that, is incredibly hypocritical coming from my end specially with how I feel about the same attitude). I’m a terrible listener and an even worse talker, I can’t keep a conversation straight for more than 5 minutes until we two remain in silence, those are the powers of being introverted! At the end of the day I would say that the people avoiding me got a point for why they do that, because we are all human, and usually when we see some strange dude, we want to avoid them; I speak from experience and seeing the people around. I wrote a lot compared to what I always say, but this time I managed to put into words the why of me feeling miserable at school.
Now if you read until here, I wanna thank you for taking your time and reading the entire thing. As much as it seems like it, I’m not looking for compassion points or people trying to cheer me up, because you can tell I’m not that good of a person as it seemed so initially, and I don’t think that really cheers me up anyway. I think the only person that can cheer me up now is myself, but it isn’t in the way of me saying “Oh you rock dude” but in the way of changing as a person so that can one day I can look myself in the mirror and say: “You… Are a decent guy”.
That’s it for the day, some day when I find the motivation (probably tomorrow since I know I will be going on a week long break from school) I’ll finish my adventures in the city center, don’t wanna be AN AMERICAN IDIOT!!! perfunctory when writing that story (I stole that word from blur lmao) as I want it to stand to levels with chronicles you’d see in a journal (dunno if people here read chronicles though, if you don’t then please do so they are a very nice genre of literature).